holy crap on a cracker

Jenny only wanted one thing. It was not to be rich, famous, or something in between. She just wanted her own happy family. She was comfortable doing things around the house – cooking, cleaning, and taking care of her parents and a younger sister. One might say that she will never be happy without someone counting on her; whatever is the opposite of being co-dependent, that’s her.

Then she met this guy, let’s call him Brian, a nephew of a neighbor. After seven months of courtship, they got married at 21. It wasn’t a head-over-heel type of affair; it was a shotgun wedding. But this time, it was the boy who shouted “pregnant”. Having a very conservative father and being too young to stand up for her own opinions, Jenny reluctantly consented even though she wasn’t pregnant at all. After all, if she’s getting married in the future anyway, why not now?

Starting out wasn’t all that great either. They lived with her in-laws for two years, and for two years her mother-in-law treated her like a maid. Everyday she would get out of bed at four in the morning. She would get dressed for work while cooking breakfast, wait for the rest of the household to wake up so they can all eat together, then clean up the mess before she can finally go to the office. But definitely not before the reigning queen of the house. Jenny was the last to leave.

After work and still in her office uniform, she still had to prepare dinner while everyone watched their soap operas. They eat dinner, she cleans up while running the washing machine, prepares for bed and is expected to have sex with her husband.

Before long she got pregnant, and that was the time she gathered up the courage to tell her husband that they move out or she will. At this point of the story the husband is thought to be a spineless, no-balls kind of creature. That would be correct. But that’s not all he is.

He did not graduate college, and this is a great source of insecurity for him. Jenny thought a lot of fights would end if they both had degrees, so she sent Mr. Spineless to college. She was the sole earner of the family who paid the rent, brought food to the table, provided milk to the two kids they have, and paid for the tuition of the great catch that she married. In addition to everything, Jenny bought her husband a motorcycle so No-Balls can at least earn a little money for himself by attaching it to a sidecar and take people to places.

One night, Jenny got a call from her father-in-law telling her that her husband had an accident and was in the hospital. The motorcycle her husband was driving was hit by a jeepney. He was barely alive, his skull was split open and half of his face was squished. He lasted ten more hours before finally going to the light at the end of the tunnel.

On the day before the funeral Jenny decided to text every number on his husband’s cellphone, to tell them of the tragedy. “This is Brian’s wife, he has passed away. The funeral is tomorrow.” Five girls replied, “Who are you and why are you using my boyfriend’s number? This is John’s number.”

Apparently, Brian was known to his five girlfriends as John. Jenny invited them all to the wake, to see if Brian and John were one and the same. So they came. And they were all pregnant. It was like a live visual aid on a presentation of The Stages of Pregnancy. One was seven months on the way, then five, four, three and two.

Shocked would have been a kind word to describe Jenny.

A month after Brian’s death, Jenny got a call from a man to ask if she could meet him. It was about Brian, he said. She did, and after hearing what he had to say she almost flushed his ashes down the toilet but she can’t open the urn. The mysterious man was Brian’s gay benefactor, and they were together the night Brian died. They had a little drinking spree and Brian drove home drunk.

This is a true story, it all happened. I know Jenny and we were friends for more than a decade now. I’m godmother to her son. I know it’s hard-coded in her DNA to be tolerant to the point of stupidity. If it had been me this story would have been true only at the second paragraph, first line. But with every cloud there is a silver lining, and the lining of this particular cloud is the best there is.

Jenny now takes comfort in the fact that her husband is now rotting in hell, she is free of her in-laws, and that her two kids don’t really remember their father that well. To all the Brians out there, be afraid, be very afraid.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Credit cards. Reminds me of how much I spend.

2. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Anywhere as long as you're with someone you really like and likes you back.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
I don't remember when, maybe 1998? I drank that super kadiri Tanduay, I don't know why.

4. Have you ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar?
Never. But I gave away my number on a ten-peso bill.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Erlinda Garcia, whom I still visit from time to time and remembers me.

6. What are you doing right now?
Typing this.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
An astronaut. Then I found out it involves a lot of math.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Just the one.

9. Why did you get the shirt that you have on right now?
I got this in Greenhills, it was long-sleeved then. So I cut the sleeves off.

10. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would you go?
I'd live in Paris or somewhere south of France, and I'll take this person who has no idea that I want to take him to France.

11. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Where's the effing Snooze button?

12. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
I'm soooo tired....

13. Favorite style of underwear?
Just the regular kind. I like the fun ones.

14. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
Boxers

--------------------------------------------------

1. What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
If you know what you're doing and the limitations, then that's ok. But if you're into it thinking it will somehow evolve into something serious, then stop right there.

2. Do you bite your nails?
No.

3. Are you a jealous person?
Yes. I hate it.

4. Are you allergic to anything?
Alcohol. Seafood.

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
I don't remember, but there was this one book that got me really bawling.

6. Does it get annoying when somebody says they'll call you, but doesn't?
Yes, if he's a cute guy. No for the rest of the world. Hee.

7. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor?
Vanilla. Cheese. Mango.

8. Whose car were you in last...?
Mark's.

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
Sleeping.

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
Faithful by Go West.

11. What will you dress up as for Halloween?
The Girl Who Ate Spiders.

12. What is your favorite TV show?
Heroes. Friends. Sex and the City. House.

13. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
It really depends if they're interesting to talk to.

14. Can others make you cry easily?
No. It has to be someone I care about.

15. Who was the last person to piss you off?
Someone about ten feet away from me.

16. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Yes.

17. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
Sure, if there's nothing else to read.

18. If you could be any type of fruit, what would you be?
Mango. Something tropical.

19. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Lately it's only been four to five.

20. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
My mattress is on the floor.

21. Have you ever been attracted to someone, but not physically?
Yeah, because they're incredibly smart.

22. What are some things that are needed in a relationship?
Trust. Acceptance. Respect.

23. Do you like traveling?
You think?

24. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
It doesn't make them a bad person, so yes.

25. Do you believe the guy should pay on the first date?
Yes, if he's the one who asked me.

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
I've been contemplating about a second piercing on my left ear, but I don't have a high pain threshold.

27. Which do you make: dreams or plans?
Plans. Dreams are good but if you just sit there forever dreaming then good luck.

28. Can you speak any languages other than English?
I can mangle French. Of course, Tagalog, which I also mangle.

29. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Caesar's and that raspberry vinaigrette thing.

30. What movies do you know every line to?
Finding Nemo. My Best Friend's Wedding. Romy and Michele.

31. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Yes. :-)

32. Have you told someone else that secret?
No. That's bad. I'm the keeper of secrets.

33. Would you rather take the picture or be in it?
Take the picture.

34. Do you wear flip-flops?
Always.

35. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Chicken pork adobo and rice.

36. What's the sweetest thing someone has done for you?
Bringing me to the emergency room and staying the night at the hospital.

Today, 23 October 2007 at 5:50pm, marks the arrival of Joaquin Enrico de Vera Ruiz, the newest love of my life. I can't wait to hug him.

Ate na si Abby.

Where can you find Pinkilocks, Red Riding Hood, a gay goblin, a guitar-playing mummy, and some other creatures?

No, not the Easter Bunny's funeral.

They all got together for Pam's birthday party at Route 196 last Saturday. I didn't have a costume, although Giff and I had a few ideas we're tossing back and forth last week. I showed up in jeans, then the Gay Goblin (that's Giff) handed me a feathered number. It turned out to be a showgirl's costume, although I think I looked like a gay Doc Ock with pink feathered tentacles for effect. It came with a ruffled skirt which would not close so we tucked it in my jeans. At one point in the evening I put on F's wrestler/serial killer mask so I looked like a flamboyant wrestler/serial killer.

Jill was Pinkilocks (I swear I didn't recognize you), Fifi was her geeky date, Ram was a doctor/surgeon/foot spa specialist, Chri was a mummy, and Pam was Red Riding Hood with No Shoes.

It was a great party, with everybody getting sloshed with the beer bong and the brandy shots. Whatever was in that brandy, it destroyed all the bacteria in my throat and stomach lining. It was that potent. Some people fell in love then got their hearts broken in the span of fifteen minutes, everybody ate cake without a fork, and when most people have left I even sang.

Just this one picture. Because if you did a search on Multiply with the right keyword combination you'll see a lot of them.

I've always said that I used to be this impatient person who can never put up with anything that didn't happen immediately. I was raised in the generation of instant gratification, and anything that would require me to wait for as long as I can blink my eyes five times drains my energy. Patience was never my virtue, and how my sisters know that.

But things happened in my life and I grew up; I learned to pick my battles and clean up after myself, and among the things I learned was to be more patient. Even if I learned to wait, I still put up a limit on how long, and if the waiting time is worth the prize in the end. There were still things to be compromised.

So I've put it upon myself to wait that extra five, ten minutes. But if things still hadn't happened by then I get pissed. I wasn't patient enough.

I didn't learn the virtue thoroughly, but my other virtue/gift/curse kicks in by the time the ten minutes is up. I lose interest. I can't bring myself to care anymore about whatever that thing is that I felt was important enough to bestow my precious time and energy. I walk away, looking for other bright and shiny things to pick up along the way.

By the time I've forgotten about the thing I walked away from, it comes to me. Always. If I want something very bad and I've done every single thing in my power to have it and it still doesn't happen, I force myself to forget about it. And after a while, it's there in front of me.

I'm trying to lose interest in Dennis Trillo. So please, stop emailing me about The Incident with that lady who bore his child. Because in time, he will come to me.

This Cinemalomo thing? Not easy. I am hoping this will turn out to be a hit so we can release merchandise and video games based on the movie. Daggummit.

Tagged by Cler...

1. Name of the person who made you laugh last night? the very pregnant Ling
2. What were you doing at 0800? Borlog.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Emailing for work.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Woke up from a nightmare.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? Tingnan mo yung Signature of Written Instruments.
6. How many beverages did you have today? 3 cups of coffee and lots of water.
7. What color is your hairbrush? Red and Dark Brown
8. What was the last thing you paid for? C2.
9. Where were you last night? Butter Diner.
10. What color is your front door? Brown.
11. Where do you keep your change? Everywhere.
12. What the weather like today? Cloudy. Sunny. Cloudy. I don’t know, it keeps changing.
13. What's the best ice cream flavor? Vanilla Caramel Pecan
14. What excited you? Sleeping in a haunted house.
15. Do you want to cut your hair? I just did! Technically, Drea did.
16. Are you over the age of 25? No. Definitely not. [Lightning strikes me dead.]
17. Do you talk a lot? Only with people I’m comfortable with.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Not once
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Yes. I wanted that Steven to die.
20. Do you make up your own words? Yeah, I think. And make up meanings to old words.
21. Are you a jealous person? Yes.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A'. Anna
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K'. Kate
24. Who's the first person on your received call list? My thesis adviser, who’s ready to gut me by now.
25. What does the last text message you received say? Som’s at 7pm.
26. Do you chew your straw? No. I just get it stuck on my tongue.
27. Do you have curly hair? It can’t decide, actually.
28. Who's the rudest person in your life? I don’t involve myself with rude people.
29. What was the last thing you ate? Mongolian BBQ.
30. Will you get married in the future? I have no idea.
31. Where's the next place you're going to? Som’s at Rockwell.
32. What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks? Like Cler, I’ve seen Stardust and Apat Dapat. So I guess Stardust.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? I don’t remember. Must be during the Paleolithic
35. Are you currently depressed? No.
36. Did you cry today? Not for a long time.
37. Why did you answer this? Killing time.
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey. Mother Hen, the Jeromes, Alkies, whoever wants to.

Because dreams do come true.

I’ve never been as adventurous with my hair as I am with the choices I make in life. After all it took me quite sometime to resurrect my hair and aside from being expensive, I like my hair alive.

But now I sit here typing this with a new, funky haircut and a to-die for hair color. Earlier at Piandre Libis Branch, six pairs of hands fussed over my hair. First, they applied color from the winter palette. Yeah, I don’t know what that means either. Drea rattled off numbers: 426, 666, and 626 or something. In human language that means plum, red, and something in between.

I read countless Star issues about how Britney is a terrible mom and what Brangelina does to spice up their marriage while waiting for the hair color to take effect. Finally they shampoo it off and blow-dried it. To say that I like the result is an understatement. And it’s so soft.

Drea comes with scissors to finally hand down judgment on my tresses. She uttered the magic words: “You trust me, right?” When someone says that I have the urge to run away, fast. But I have palabra de honor, and I gave my word to her already that I’m in it, so I just smiled.

When she took a lock of my hair and made the first snip, I almost had a heart attack. She cut it right above my ear. I have long layered hair, almost reaching mid-back, and that means almost 6 inches of cut hair. She saw my face and told me not to panic. Ok. Don’t panic. Pretend to be calm. Focus on Shiloh’s $17,000 binky and Britney’s cellulites. I can’t watch my hair being cut.

Then it was time to look up from the trashy magazine to see the end product. Hey, my hair’s still long. I have Erté bangs. It has volume. It has shape. It’s something else. I admit I’m not used to seeing my hair so different, but it’s good different.

Drea just came from London to study new hair trends. If you want the latest in cut and color, you can go to any Piandre branch in Libis, Greenbelt, Peoplesupport, Timog and Libis. You can look for Drea at the Peoplesupport branch in Makati (she shuttles between her salons), but her stylists are well-trained so you’re in good hands with them too.

My blog has always been about me and my life. I don’t discuss current events except when they trample on my personal space, i.e. the national elections. I can’t discuss religion because I’m a non-practicing Catholic. I still know the prayers by heart but I hardly go to church these days. I try to keep away from politics because I have a tendency to start every sentence with “I hate” when I talk about politicians.

I never said anything about Malu Fernandez even when the whole OFW community wanted to roast her on a spit. I didn’t join the overreaction to the Desperate Housewives racial slur. And lastly, I will not laugh at Christian Bautista, who embarrassed himself in international (pay-per-view) TV by forgetting a whole stanza of the Philippine National Anthem.

I tried to sing the Pambansang Awit, and like Christian, I need a moment between stanzas to remember. We take it for granted, like the national language which I seem to butcher in regular intervals. I can’t write in straight Tagalog, I sound like a trying hard student who only shows up on final exams. Like this one.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t speak English in everyday conversation except when at work. I speak Tagalog in modified forms, including but not limited to: slang, gayspeak, and Taglish. I excel at the second one, having devoted half my time hanging out with my fab gay friends.

Recently it became too obvious that Inang Bayan would be too embarrassed to have me for a daughter, because of the following:

“Ano sa Tagalog ang falls?”
“Hinulugang Taktak?”

“Di ba labahita yang isda na yan?”
“Di ba ang labahita yung pang-ahit?”
“Hindi, labakara yun.”

I didn’t know what is lambak, talampas, the difference between dagat and karagatan until I’ve googled it. My baby sister seems to have no problem with Tagalog at all, and even plans to take up Malikhaing Pagsulat sa Pilipino. I’m like, really? It would not even be on my top 20 courses to take.

When I took the Foreign Service Exams, one of the main tests was translating a diplomatic letter to Filipino. I had such a hard time; I don’t even know what welfare translates to. I was so ashamed of myself, and to think I’m applying to be a diplomat by taking the exam. Of course I failed.

It's harder than it looks! Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following... they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

What is your name?
Ruby

4 letter word:
Rest

Vehicle:
Rav 4

City:
Rio de Janeiro

Boy Name:
Rafael

Girl Name:
Rhododendron hahahaha! Kidding. Roxanne.

Alcoholic drink:
Rum and Coke

Occupation:
Researcher

Something you wear:
Rubber shoes

Celebrity:
Richard Gere

Food:
Ravioli

Something found in a bathroom:
Rod, like a shower rod.

Reason for Being Late:
Road accident

Cartoon Character:
Roger Rabbit

Something You Shout:
Raaaar!!!

Friends you're tagging to do this survey:
Rimbaldi.

So I haven’t been able to update much this week.

You might think that I’m so involved living in the present that documenting it would seem too trivial. I have been living a wild life recently, if you consider having a facial and pigging out at Som’s wild.

(On that note, you should go to Som’s and order everything you want, even the ones you don’t understand. It won’t cost you much and you’ll reach several levels of heaven. Try going to the Rockwell branch, but come early because they run out of tables faster than you can say Red Curry Fried Rice.)

So I’m not living on the edge or have been abducted by aliens. I have been converted to a new religion, and I define religion in this context as “an object, practice, cause, or activity that somebody is completely devoted to or obsessed by”. That religion is called Facebook.

I’ve been busy handing out Tequila Shooters to my friends, or biting people as a zombie, vampire, or werewolf. I’m also a Sith and the Force is with me. I had just given Taranoia a naughty gift, because I received one from Jher. My travel score ranking is pathetic, because I haven’t been to Latvia or know where Tanzania is on the map. I’ve been given a Love Potion, and I just sent a Mudslide to Bridget. I got a new pet and now I have to find Munny so I can feed Salisbury the Turtle. Three of my friends thinks I'm hot. I'm also a member of Fight Club, I'm called Pacencia, the Lady Kickboxer who farts in your general direction.

There are just too many things on my plate right now.