holy crap on a cracker

Dear Person Who Gets Annoying When Drunk,

Let me get this out of the way: I am not against drunkenness per se. At it's best it eases along boring nights, or gives you a boost of confidence, or at least just gives people a reason to laugh at corny jokes. Alcohol, like many other legal mind-altering and addictive substances, is best taken in moderation.

But, if you're at the point where you ask me a question sixty five thousand times and you get mad when I don't reply at I don't know, the four hundredth and twenty second time, then I'm outta here. And I don't appreciate being whispered to, or pawed, or my hair stroked. NO. NO. NO.

Yes, we're friends and I really do like you when you're sober, but next time we go out and there's drinking, I'm leaving after your fourth bottle. Seriously. Earlier you dragged me into that hole in the wall place where some middle-aged balding guy who hasn't lost his aspiring rockstar delusions belt Air Supply hits and fuckity fuck, Hotel California. I wanted to spear a fork through my chest, or at least through your chest, because you sang along with feelings.

I was in hell.

I'll see you in two years. Or here's a good idea, let's see each other every leap year only. Until then, I'll communicate with you from another zip code.